I finally showered. It's been over a week, (gross, I know) and I feel so fresh and clean again. It took me all morning to...well actually, while I'm being honest, it took me a few days to decide on the shower rather than the bath. Mainly because the ceiling needs decorating and I couldn't bare to lay staring at it.
The shower had its own set of deterrents though too. The mere thought of the sensation of the water hitting my skin was terrifying...almost painful. I know that sounds stupid but it's a real issue sometimes and a difficult thing to explain. And then I couldn't bare to be cold because that alone felt too much to deal with. Then mentally preparing myself for washing, shaving and shampooing my hair that really needs cutting. Once in the shower though, it is warm and safe and I never want to get out. Then after that, getting dry and finding clothes. All normal things that people do...But seem such a huge task to me everyday this week up until now. But it's done now. And I'm clean and warm again.
As far as the depression goes I've actually been doing really well lately, and I can even be around people a lot more. The new medication is really helping especially when it comes to getting up and out. But I still get overwhelmed by little things and that can be hard to understand when on the outside I seem well again. Better. But because I'm laughing occasionally and I'm not hiding away as much, it's easy to assume all is well. And it is...for the most part.The hard part is overcoming the metal fatigue; it has a knock on affect and so as well as the mental exhaustion, my body also, does not want to play along and it gets harder to do anything apart from sitting and staring into space. Thinking about what needs doing and what is absolutely necessary, and in which order I would most be able to handle things on a mental level. It’s exhausting just thinking about that. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it.
Its really difficult though to explain to somebody that I'm struggling with things as easy as getting in the shower or making a meal. It requires a certain mindset I guess, that ordinary people take in their stride. Or don't notice at all. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing ok...even if a shower is all I manage today. Tomorrow I might be able to tackle the washing basket, and if it's a really good day...I might get it hung out and put away too. Although even on a normal day, that overwhelms me!!! (silently hoping I’m not alone on that one!!)
But for me, I find strength in the verse that I’ve added below. It has got me through a lot of tough times and difficult mindsets. I think it's important to celebrate the small victories along the way, like managing the washing or cooking a meal, because it means I'm doing ok. One step at a time. And if you are reading this thinking of the things you struggle with, then you too should celebrate your small victories. Everyone has a different set of struggles and mountains that need facing on a daily basis, and with depression, those mountains seem impossible. But one step at a time is all you need to keep going. You’re doing ok!!
“ I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.”