Today is mother's day. Last night the clocks went forward an hour and it is now, judging by the glow behind the curtains, beautifully springtime and I'm so tired. My kids woke me up with fresh daffodils, a cup of tea and a large bar of chocolate. Alongside homemade cards and vast expressions of their love for me. I am so so blessed to have them. They are my world and my reason or dragging myself out of bed in the morning.
Except it is 12.39pm already and I still haven't got the energy to get up. I haven't called my own mothers. (one is a step mum, they aren't a couple) I just can't seem to move today. There is no motivation or life in me.
As I lay here scrolling through Instagram and Facebook I see so many photos of happy mother's day people, women with their kids smiling in a park...or at a restaurant having lunch. And I'm in bed still. I feel so guilty. This is when the depression bothers me a lot. When I can't be the good parent that my kids need and I pray they don't remember these days when they think back to their childhood as an adult.
I should probably explain here that my husband is home so I am not neglecting them and leaving them to fend for themselves. But it makes me wonder if there are mums that feel like I do some days, but don't have the support of another parent, or family member to help. I can't imagine what that must be like, I truly sympathise, and it makes me thankful that I'm not alone.
Today my son is poorly, so at least there is one legitimate reason for my not leaving the house or getting dressed...he too is still in his PJs and occasionally comes in the bedroom to snuggle under the duvet with me.
Nevertheless, I still have heavy guilt that I can't do stuff with them. So for now I'm reassuring myself by thinking how mother's day is a day off and meant for rest, and I should stop beating myself up about it. Today is a reminder that I have a mental illness and it limits me sometimes. Tomorrow I'm sure will be completely different and I'll be bouncing back into my weekly routine….minus the PJ's.
Putting One foot in front of the other, One day at a time.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30 NIV